As a teacher, I once taught two students, Ajay and Siddharth, in the same grade. They were equally bright, curious, and capable but the emotional environments in their homes were very different. In Ajay’s home, discipline came first.
His parents believed that good children should obey without questioning. Whenever Ajay tried to explain himself, the conversation often ended with:
“Because I said so.”
Slowly, Ajay learned a powerful lesson not that his thoughts were wrong, but that expressing them could create trouble.
So he became over careful.
Before answering a question, he would look at an adult’s face for approval. When friends disagreed with him, he often went silent. Even when he knew the answer in class, his hand would rise halfway…and then quietly come back down.
Inside, Ajay had opinions. He had ideas. He had feelings.
But somewhere along the way, he had learned:
“It is safer to stay quiet than to be wrong.”
Across town, Siddharth grew up very differently.
His parents wanted him to feel free and independent. They rarely imposed firm boundaries and often told him to “decide for himself,” even in situations where he still needed guidance.
Siddharth quickly learned that his voice mattered.
If he disagreed, he said so.
If he wanted something, he asked.
If he felt something was unfair, he challenged it even when the person in front of him was an adult.
In group activities, Siddharth naturally stepped forward. He spoke confidently, defended his ideas, and expected others to listen.
But because limits were not always clear at home, there were moments when confidence crossed into insistence. Sometimes, Siddharth found it difficult to accept a “no” or recognise when another person’s needs mattered as much as his own.
Then came the school debate competition.
Both boys were selected for the same team.
Ajay had prepared carefully. His notebook was filled with thoughtful points, examples, and arguments. But during practice, another student challenged one of his ideas.
Ajay froze.
He looked down at his notes, whispered, “Maybe you’re right,” and stopped defending the point he had spent hours preparing.
Later, when I spoke with him, he quietly said:
“What if I say something wrong and everyone thinks badly of me?”
Siddharth faced the same kind of challenge.
But instead of withdrawing, he leaned forward and said:
“I understand your point, but I see it differently. Can I explain why?”
He defended his position, listened to the response, and negotiated with the group.
In that moment, the contrast was striking.
One child had learned to protect relationships by silencing himself.
The other had learned to protect his voice but was still learning that confidence also needs boundaries, empathy, and respect.
Moral
Children do not learn confidence only from what parents tell them.
They learn it from what happens when they disagree, make mistakes, say no, ask questions, or express uncomfortable feelings.
When parenting is excessively authoritarian, a child may begin to associate obedience with safety and gradually become hesitant to express needs, make independent decisions, or stand up for themselves.
When parenting is overly permissive, a child may become comfortable expressing themselves, but may have fewer opportunities to learn frustration tolerance, responsibility, and respect for reasonable limits.
The healthiest path lies between the two.
Children need roots and wings.
They need roots "clear boundaries, consistency, values, and guidance that make them feel secure "
And they need wings
" the freedom to speak, question, make age-appropriate choices, make mistakes, and discover their own voice. "
The goal of parenting is not to raise a child who always obeys, nor one who always gets their way.
It is to raise a child who can confidently say:
“This is what I think.”
“I can listen to what you think.”
“I can handle being told no.”
“And even when we disagree, I can still respect both you and myself.”
That is where healthy assertiveness begins.
